What Do You Do When a Family Member Steals From You?

How do you confront someone who steals?

When an individual must confront the person they know stole from them, it is never easy. When the offender is a member of the victim’s family, dealing with the problem is even more challenging and emotionally fraught.

However, the key to dealing effectively with familial theft is confrontation. When victim speaks directly to the person who has harmed them, they can usually make progress and begin tackling the issue.

• Plan it Out

When a family member steals, they must be confronted. However, when individuals rush into the conversation driven by emotion, the conversation is usually not productive.

Therefore, plan out the vital conversation before beginning the talk. Individuals who have lost property should think carefully about what they want to say and what they want the thief to know. Emotional confrontations often lapse into unproductive arguments or “he said, she said” debates. However, speaking with the problematic family member with a clear head and a plan in mind leads to productive dialogue.

Before calling the family member or proceeding to speak with them in person, individuals should take time to relax, take a deep breath, and plan a careful approach. Two strategies individuals can use are:

• Individuals can ask themselves what they want to accomplish based on this conversation and what they expect to accomplish in this talk.
• Individuals can try writing the family member a note. This letter may not need to be given to the offender, but it can help gather the individual’s thoughts rationally.

For example, Greg owns a sandwich shop, and customers often pay for his famous subs in cash. So, although Greg goes to the bank every Friday morning, there is often a surplus of paper cash in the shop during the week.

Greg’s nephew Luigi begins working for him, and after a few weeks, Greg realizes that the business’s cash flow is dwindling. It doesn’t take long for Greg to figure out that Luigi is taking a little bit of cash here and there, and at first, he is hurt. After all, he gave Luigi the job, even though Luigi had no experience, as a favor to Greg’s sister. Greg is angry and considers firing Luigi and even taking legal action against his nephew.

However, Greg takes a day to cool off and writes a “letter” to Luigi to gather his thoughts. When he sits down with Luigi, they engage in honest dialogue. When Luigi realizes how he has hurt Greg and broken his uncle’s trust, he becomes very emotional. Luigi admits to stealing but says he gave the money to his sister. Luigi tells Greg that his dad lost his job and his sister needs lunch money. The dialogue is very productive, and Greg gives Luigi another chance.

• Speak Honestly Yet Calmly

When speaking to a family member, the key is to be honest, and careful. Tell the family member how their actions are disappointing and manipulative. Individuals should not be afraid to share how they have been emotionally impacted but should do so rationally.

Here are a few more tips to keep in mind when speaking with the family member:

1. Even when feeling betrayed, stay calm. It may be tempting, but victims should not raise their voices or become overly emotional. Instead, speak rationally.
2. Emphasize disappointment instead of anger. Anger can alienate, but disappointment has emotional resonance.
3. After individuals come to grips with their violations, they must focus not on past wrongdoings but on the future. The key going forward is making sure that this person will not steal again.
   
   

• Focus on Outcomes, Not Excuses

When accused of stealing, family members may offer a variety of excuses. These may range from statements such as “I didn’t mean to do it” to the more specific, “I was going to ask you!”

Falling for these statements, or believing that theft is an accident, is a mistake. While it can be difficult to ignore the statements of someone you love, it is for their good. If the family member does understand the damage they have done or thinks that stealing is justified, the situation will never improve. The key is for the thief to learn from their actions instead of thinking that stealing is acceptable “in some cases.”

Before speaking to the family member, individuals should have specific outcomes in mind. How can the family member make things right? Do they need to return or replace something? Do they need to pay back a certain amount? If the family member stole the money they cannot pay back all at once, the victim could institute a payment plan.

• Be Clear About the Consequences

Setting consequences helps both the victim and the thieving family member. When speaking to the family member, tell them what will happen if they do not remedy their actions and what will happen if they do. Set clear outcomes for different scenarios.

For example, Jack knows his brother Daryl is stealing from him. When Jack confronts Daryl, he gives him specific choices. Daryl can pay the money back, and the two brothers can discuss what led to this betrayal. Or, Daryl can refuse to give the money back, and Jack will not hesitate to report the incident to the authorities.

The selected consequences should depend on the nature of the theft. For example, individuals can decide on specific options, such as:

1. Disallowing the family member from their house or place of work
2. Ending the relationship with the family member
3. Contacting the authorities.

Some individuals who are victims of family-related theft decide to bring another adult into the situation. For example, if the offender is young or the responsibility of other family members, one should contact their parents.

Some family members choose to cede authority and possibly punish the parent or guardian. For example, if one’s young niece stole a smartphone from her uncle, the uncle might call her mother first. The uncle could say something like, “Jenna stole my phone, so I want you to come to deal with it. She’s your child, after all, and the discipline should come from her parents.”

Theft among family members is wrong, but it is sometimes inevitable. Yet, through careful planning, staying calm, setting goals and outcomes, and being clear about consequences, the family can overcome this period of adversity.

How Can Individuals Repair the Emotional Damage of Theft by a Family Member?

Tom owns a ski rental shop in Big Bear Lake, California, and he makes an excellent living helping people enjoy the slopes. Since most of Tom’s business peaks during winter, Tom usually hires extra employees during the ski season.

Tom’s sister Gwen has struggled with addiction in the past, and Tom cares about her very much. Gwen has been clean for a while, and Tom decides to hire her for the winter.

However, Gwen soon steals a large amount of cash and ski merchandise and takes off. Tom knows that Gwen is using drugs again, and he also knows he must contact the authorities.

What Tom is not prepared for is how badly he feels. He worries about his business since it will probably take him a long time to recover the damages. Tom worked hard to build his shop, and his sister damaged it without thinking twice. There is a chance Tom will be forced to shut the shop down for the winter, and with a second child on the way, that would be a financial and personal disaster.

However, Tom is even more upset by Gwen’s actions. He understands she was not in her right mind, but how could she betray him when he went on a limb to hire her? Even more importantly, Tom is worried that Gwen could overdose or worse.

Ultimately, Gwen turns herself in and gets the help she needs, but it takes Tom over a year to recover emotionally.

When one family member steals from another, they often underestimate the emotional damage caused. However, there are ways to cope with the strong emotions that family-based theft causes.

Here are some recommendations for dealing with the emotional turmoil that accompanies physical theft:

• Think about what caused the family member’s actions. Try to understand their perspective. It is clear that you feel violated, but what about the offender? People steal for different reasons: some want attention, while others deal with negative emotions. We are not recommending pardoning the offensive actions, but it is important to understand why they occurred.
  
  
• Help the person heal. If they need treatment, then be a positive influence. Like Gwen, the family member struggles with substance abuse; they need compassion and understanding. It is normal to feel betrayed and violated, yet also feel concerned. This mix of emotions often accompanies theft among family members.
  
  
• Seek out therapy. Many individuals want the family member to get counseling, but the impact is significant when people are betrayed by their own family. Speaking with a professional about the matter can help resolve mental and emotional issues.
  
  
• Terminate the relationship. Sometimes, family members cannot repair the rift caused or resulting from the act of theft. In this case, the best move is to cut ties with the family member who violated your trust.

How Can Individuals Prevent Future Theft by a Family Member?

Carol’s husband, Jimmy, has one brother named Tad. Carol doesn’t mind that Tad is over at the house constantly; she knows that their family is close. However, when Carol’s belongings start to disappear, she wonders who is responsible.

One day, Carol spots two of her kitchen appliances in Tad’s truck. When she confronts her husband, Jimmy says that she is overreacting. Jimmy tells Carol that Tad is struggling to find a job and can’t afford his appliances. Carol tells Jimmy that her food processor is worth $500 and her cappuccino machine is worth $1000. She considers Tad’s behavior unacceptable and tells Jimmy she will tell the police.

Jimmy warns Carol not to tell the police about his brother, and Carol finds herself caught between her husband and his thieving brother. Carol threatens divorce, and Jimmy finally confronts his brother Tad and retrieves Carol’s belongings.

Carol bans Tad from the house and places an alarm on the kitchen door, but she is still worried. Carol has trouble relaxing in her house and doesn’t know what to say to Tad if she sees him again. She also struggles to trust her husband, Jimmy and signs them up for therapy.

Ultimately, Jimmy and Carol find a way to stay together, but Carol swears that if Tad steals from their house again, she will call the police. Jimmy supports this decision and tells his brother.

Theft among family members is different from other types of theft. When a family member steals from you, it is normal to have issues with trust going forward. How can individuals learn to trust the person again and move on? Additionally, how can the individual prevent future theft from occurring and learn from adversity?

• Work on rebuilding trust whenever possible. Rebuilding trust relies on understanding the offender’s perspective and acting with compassion and understanding. These actions can be very demanding, so do not grow frustrated if you do not feel empathy for the uncle who stole your money, for example.
  
  
• Secure your belongings and safeguard your accounts. Carol placed an alarm in her kitchen, but individuals often find they need to lock doors, buy a safe, or change online passwords.
  
  
• Contact the police. Filing a police report is not solely for prosecution. It can help protect the victim’s credit report from becoming fraudulent. It is not fair for a victim of theft to become saddled with poor credit that can last for years.
  
  
• If the offender is young and you are up to it, speak with them about right and wrong. Make sure that they understand that stealing is immoral. Even culprits can learn from their actions and change their perspectives.

When A Family Member Steals from You, Is an Attorney Needed?

Theft between family members is unacceptable. However, when a family member steals from another, the issue is rarely black and white.

Complex issues require skilled attorneys, and at Nakase Wade, our experienced attorneys are ready to help you deal with family theft calmly and rationally.

There is no doubt that issues of theft create complex emotions. Our lawyers will help you set goals and determine the correct strategy for dealing with your sister, cousin, or brother’s offensive behavior. Of course, every scenario is different, but we understand that you do not want to prolong this delicate situation.

Even the most difficult situation can become a learning opportunity. Sometimes, involving the authorities is necessary, but when the culprit is young or simply made a mistake, the police are unneeded. Regardless, when a family member steals from you, the call to an experienced attorney at Nakase Wade should be one of the first things you do. We offer a first consultation free, so call us today, and let’s begin the healing process proactively.